|
No,
that wasn't a beauty contest
Dave Francis Hi all! I went to Moscow, and had a successful visit. We went in a train that was fantastic. It left at night. We slept in a private cabin, and had great service, (Lousy food, hot tea, no ice for the sodas, ugly old lady to wait on us, but still, it was on a train flying through the darkness toward the heart of the evil empire, so it was cool!) The train was like an Agathie Christie story, if her stories had lots more Japanese tourists and no crime. We arrived in Moscow, and were greeted by Lena’s cousin, who drove us to his place. He showed us the apartment, and then left for the weekend, promising to come back on Sunday in time to show us a few sites and get us to our return train. His name is Misha, and he works in Human Resources (a new concept since Perestroika.) at a power company. (The same one who has shut off the electricity to the ENTIRE CITY of Vladivostock for non-payment of its bills.) His place was real nice, and it was just a few minutes by subway to Red Square. We got up early, (Yeah, right....) and got out and saw Red Square, Lobnoe Mesto, and got to see the famous church you always identify with the Kremlin on the square. It is called Pakrava or Vasiliya Blazhenava. It is named after a saint. The church was built in about 1550 by two architects at the command of Ivan the Terrible in commemoration of the Russian capture of Kazan from the Tartars. One of the Khans apparently had never lost a battle until then. After the finish of the cathedral, Ivan the Terrible had the architects blinded to make sure they could never produce another structure more beautiful. (Good name for ole Ivan, huh?) How would you like to be the next guy who was commissioned to put in another bath in a palace for him?..... We saw a lot more in Moscow, we saw Gorby’s apartment, Kruschev’s apartment, (They lived in actual apartment buildings while they ran the country. Honest to God apartments. Other tenants, etc. They were nice enough I guess, but still, they were APARTMENTS!) Misha drove us around and he knows the city like a spy. We went to the world’s largest department store, GUM. I think it has the world’s largest prices. Saw a street called Stary Arbat, a shopping street with some museums. (Another Pushkin museum.) By the way, has anyone reading this ever heard of Pushkin? These people can’t have 50 kilos of concrete lying around without wanting to mold it into a statue of the guy. The only thing I know of that he wrote was something called "Onegin" and that is a movie now, and absolutely unwatchable. It has been banned by the Geneva Convention from being shown in POW camps. There is a nice monument to a guy named Dhirzhinski. Hell of a guy. He started a fun little club for Lenin called the CHEKA. They eventually had to be disbanded and reformed into a less scary group called the KGB..... We also saw the ski jump from the Goodwill Games. That thing is scary looking. Saw lots of other things, including the convent where Sofia was exiled by Peter the Great for having too much political ambition. She lived there till her death I guess, and the place is a working convent now. We had a nice tour. We saw a historical museum that was pretty nice. It had a special exhibition of commie posters, and that was very cool. We also saw an exhibit that was dedicated to a specific parade they had at the end of WWII. The banners they took from the Nazis were there. I, of course, urinated on the Kremlin. We got to see too many things to describe here, but trust me, it was fun. For those of prurient interest, let me tell you one (unforgettable) event. Lena and I were walking back to the apartment from the subway. There was an underground passage there for people to cross the street. On the ramp to the underground were a few people looking over the rail. I looked, and saw what I thought was a beauty pageant group going somewhere together. There were about thirty tall, thin, blonde women in their early twenties dressed to the nines in beautiful, elegant clothes. I asked Lena what they were doing, because they seemed to be just standing there. She said she didnt know, so we asked a lady standing there. (An older woman.) She smiled condescendingly and replied, "Eta devushki catouriya yezdiat s mozhinami razvlikatza....' Lena turned 7 shades of red and suggested we leave. (I was beginning to get the idea by now.... I aint no fool.) "Why?" I asked, with an innocent (Or at least as innocent as I can still manage.) look on my face? "Because these girls are prostitutes waiting for customers!" Lena (testily) replied. It was an unbelievable sight. Not a crackmonster in the bunch. They all looked like beautiful, exotic young ladies. Not a sight I will forget easily. (Nor location.....) We came back on the train, it was nice once again, and have been back in St. Petersburg for a few days now. I have decided to stay another month or so at least, and I think Mom is going to come over and share a bowl of borscht and a bottle of vodka with us. (OK, maybe not.....) We have left the apartment I was renting, and are now at Lenas place. (I feel so cheap and used, being a 'kept man' and all.) Remember, you are having this trip by osmosis!!! Your smart aleck friend and relative, Dave (No wishing heart trouble for me now, that wouldnt be nice.....) Lena says hello, and wants to know what did Russia ever do to deserve the USA sending me here? Not to mention what did she personally do for God to visit such a curse upon her?.... |