The naked truth

Hi gang,

Back again, and glad to report that things went well.

The day started out ignominiously. Get a chair, get ready to laugh. You are about to have a bit of sweet revenge at my expense.

I left Lenas house and went to the bus stop. I was looking good. Brown slacks, beige silk shirt, (modern collar.) tan sport coat, leather cap, (Lenin style.) nice Rockport walking shoes. I was ready to go. I stopped at the store, got a cold Coca Cola Light to go, and went to the
bus stop. I was told by Lena that van #9 will take me to the Lesnaya subway station, or the bus #91 will take me to the Finlandia train station, which is next to the Ploschitz Lenina Subway station. I see a bus 391, and ask the driver, "Finlandia?" to which he replied, "Da." so
I got on the bus. I felt pretty slick, catching a bus that she hadn’t recommended, and sat back in Greyhoundesque comfort as I was whisked through the city. It was fabulous, and I was very proud of my accomplishment. Reasonably familiar sites went by,and I had my trusty camera in my right hand, my Coke Light in my left hand, and we fairly zipped through the city. We pulled up to a familiar site, I asked another passenger, "Finlandia?" to which she replied with the expected "Da." and I got up to leave.

As I got up, proof of my weight loss on this trip appeared.

Let me put it this way. Sansabelt slacks and the silk tail of a nice shirt dont make for a very corrosive surface. Yes boys and girls, your laughter is justified. I was standing in the corridor of the bus with my pants around my ankles. (I want to thank my Mother for instilling in me the discipline to wear clean underwear. I have friends who wear NO underwear, my plight could have been worse.) Here I am, standing in the bus as sort of an allegory of my life. I am showing my ass, once again, but this time in a more definite way. I have an expensive camera that I am addicted to in my right hand, so I have to go for the pants with my left, which is holding a Coke light. (You KNOW I dont let that go.) I have to struggle with my third priority, raising the shroud of Hagar without destroying or losing anything else. (My dignity having been left on the floor with my pants.) I pulled them up left handed, fairly flew off the bus, and made for the subway, where you would expect to find pants-droppers and other assorted oddballs. I made it, and haven’t seen my picture on the news, so I think things are ok. If this causes a problem when Bush and Putin meet, I am sorry.

Well, my day has just gotten started, and God has blessed me with absolute proof that I am losing weight, so I am feeling pretty good about myself right about now. I changed trains about half a dozen times to try to lose any secret admirers, and finally made it downtown to the Gastina Dvor stop of the subway. I got off there, and went upstairs and hung out at a Communist party rally for a bit. (There were about 8 organizers of the rally, and the crowd. The crowd consisted of me and a couple of stray dogs.) I needed to change some money, so I am walking around looking for a currency exchange place. I found one. It was in a place that called itself KACNHO which, in Russian, means casino. Take my advice, never change your dollars at a casino. They gave the best rate I have seen yet. 28 roubles to the dollar. Most places give 27.2. Somehow though, it didnt work out as well as it should've. I, for the life of me, do not know what I like about a roulette wheel.

Well, I leave the casino, and head for the library. I am supposed to meet Lena, and she is doing research work. (Still on the minstrels....) I walk a few blocks, and go inside, and begin looking for her. I am walking by racks and racks of card catalogues, and find some written in Latin scriipt. (Latin is our alphabet. Over here, most things are in a different alphabet, called Cyrillic.) I opened it up, and found some cards for books in English. It was pretty cool. About then, some guy comes over and begins to give me the idea that he didnt like me being there. We discussed it, then he left. (He spoke about as much
English as I do Russian.) I then left to try to find Lena. I ran across her finally, and we went back to the catalogue files so I could have her show me how to request a book. Apparently, I dont know how to read "Library Staff Only" in Russian. It seems that guy had a reason to be bothered by my presence..... Oh well. Lena showed me where a lot of
card files were for books in English, and I ordered a couple by PJ O'rourke and a couple by WF Buckley. As I was watching Lena fill out the request forms for the books, I was telling her that at one time, Buckleys books were probably not permitted to circulate here, due to his ideology. After we ordered the books, we were walking past an exhibit in the hallway, and it was about books that had been banned in the Soviet Union. One of the books I ordered by WFB was among them. God, I am so prescient it is scary. (Although I was shocked by the aforementioned pants episode. I didnt see that coming.....)

Well, as soon as I got Lena, we went to the cafe and ate. I had meatloaf, mashed potatoes, rye bread, orange soda, and she had chicken and rice soup with cole slaw. The total bill was 39 Roubles. (Remember, there are 28 roubles in a dollar.) Not bad food, and the price is sure right.

We left, and as I am telling her of my bus ride, and holding her upright to keep her from falling down laughing, (It was really unsightly....) we decided that we needed to find a shop for suspenders. We did, and 50 Roubles later, I am held in place with a security not felt since the passengers boarded the Titanic.

I found out the price of a submachine gun is $300.00. ($200.00 if you dont mind French manufacture.) The price of medicine is sometimes cheap. I had to buy some pills called Digoxin, and I paid 21 roubles for 50 of them. I take one a day for blood pressure. It is a bit hard to find some of the other medicines I take, and we are still looking for them.

Right now, Lena is telling Olga,(Of the sodasoup and forced march fame.) about my fallen dignity. They seem to enjoy it. I think I heard her say something about falling faster than a Hungarian capital....

Well, I made it back home, and have now removed my pants at my leisure,and am writing this as though I were preparing to dismount a bus. (I imagine that is an image none of you really needed. I hope it's not lunchtime....)

Well, I hope you have all enjoyed this little tale. (No jokes folks,
that is TOOOOO easy.) I would like to say it was worth it because I
could share it with so many loved ones, but that would be a lie.

Your friend,
With the Naked Truth,
Dave